Erotic Assertiveness in the Age of #MeToo

As a sex therapist, I talk to many individuals and couples who want assistance improving their sexual lives. One recurring theme in my work with masculine-identified clients is a feeling of conflict about a female partner’s desire for them to be more sexually assertive. So many of these masculine-identified folks embrace self-described feminist values of respect and equality. They put these values into practice by listening to their partners and processing disagreements fairly, sharing in all household responsibilities, and understanding their power and privilege in the context of their relationship. When it comes to sex, they understand how to give and ask for pleasure, to practice safe sex, to take their time in making love, to focus on full-body pleasure rather than just intercourse, and to make sure that their partner is satiated with pleasure during their lovemaking as part of their sexual health. They respect their partners' "no" and do not pressure their partner to have sex: they know how to take care of their own needs when their partner is not in the mood for sex.

Erotic Assertiveness

While the partners of these folks appreciate the value of sharing chores, sometimes they don't want to share in the initiation of sex and taking control in the erotic realm. Sometimes they want their masculine partner to take charge and focus on their own pleasure. This difference in expectation seems to present a particular conundrum for many masculine folks who espouse feminist practices: how can I be a "good guy" in the relationship and access my more aggressive side when it comes to sex? How is it that those dominant urges, desires, and ideas that I had to suppress and unlearn are now back on the table in the context of sex? Is it not disrespectful to be more sexually assertive? How can I meet my partner’s desires of being more aggressive while honouring my values? How can I trust that my partner is not just enduring and not having a hard time saying no? Where is the line drawn for me and my partner in terms of what is ok or not?

What Does it Mean?

Participating in aggressive sex does not mean that you do not respect your partner nor does it necessarily have to contradict your values. It can still be a form of safe sex emotionally and physically. One theme that often surfaces from the partners when requesting assertive behaviour is their need to feel desired. They want their lover to be so overcome by their attraction to them that it raises a primal urge inside of them. They don’t want to always hear an egalitarian and thoughtful: “Do you want to have sex?” and at least occasionally they crave a passionate “I want you” that is forceful and truly “of the flesh.” They want to know that their partner notices them, finding them so hot as to be irresistible. They don’t want to be loved just for their skills, intelligence, and values. Sometimes they want it to be just about their sexiness. 

Sometimes the partner wants to surrender control. They want a break from managing the household or working outside the home. They don’t want to have to think about what they want. They want a break from their heads working hard analyzing the situation and whether they are doing “it” right. They want someone else to take charge and do what satisfies both of them.

So How Do I Start?

First of all, don’t assume anything. Just because some people want a sexually assertive partner does not mean your partner shares these desires. Ask first, then negotiate if the response is affirmative.

Secondly, find out how your partner wants you to be assertive. Many people are turned off by the all-too-common assumption that dominance necessitates being mean, rude, and physically rough. The stereotype involves whips and chains and pain, however that is not the only form of dominance. While some people may crave this type of play, actually what these partners are often asking for is quite tame in comparison. Dominance can come in various flavours: playful, seductive, passionate, tender, or even spiritual. One fun way to find out is to repeat a phrase such as “take off your clothes” in each of the above flavours to see which style feels hot, natural, and authentic to both of you.

Thirdly, talk about specific fantasies, desires, and how your partner wants to be dominated. Get details on the what (activities, sex toys), where (location, parts of the body to be indulged), how (flavours of play and safe sex practices), who (roles? dress up?) and when (morning or evening? when wearing certain shoes or perfume?)  that your partner envisions. Your partner’s request to be assertive may sit better with you when you find out more specifically what they are looking for: perhaps a romantic date with candles that results in them being restrained and teased endlessly to the point just before orgasm; or instead texting or whispering many persuasive assertions of bringing your partner to the heights of pleasure; or alternatively seductively kissing your partner all over once they come out of the shower; or pushing them against the wall when they walk into the room; or even just initiating a mischievous wrestling match or pillow fight that stirs desire and leads to sex. You may be surprised to learn that what your partner wants is much easier to do than you thought.

If your partner doesn't have any ideas, try reading some erotica for recommendations. Here are a couple of recipes called “don’t move” and sensual bondage that might appeal or be a good starting point. Or watch some feminist porn where the negotiation is often part of what makes it so hot. 

Finally, trust your partner. Your partner has asked for something that is likely challenging for them to accept and express as well. They too may feel conflicted about their desires. Expressing authentic desires and challenging norms shows strength. Trust that this is indeed coming from a place of genuine desire and choice. Accept their request as valid and empowering. If it still feels “wrong” or makes you uncomfortable, try framing the fulfillment of your partner’s request as an act of service, of giving pleasure, of lovemaking in a new way. Of course, their request still may not feel right to you. Sometimes trying something different helps to uncover your latent desires. But if being assertive is truly not in your nature or you would prefer that your partner were more assertive instead, then you need to negotiate your differences in desires. Honour your own emotional and sexual health as well. 

It’s about FUN

Don’t take it all too seriously. Have fun, play, discover, and learn new things about yourselves and each other. Embrace the different sides of your personality and discern together when to embody your assertiveness and when to leave it behind. Take your time. You usually have many more lovemaking sessions ahead of you, so you don’t have to do it all at once. You sometimes do not know a boundary is there until you have passed it. Push the limits one step at t time. Besides, saving something to look forward to always makes for fabulous erotic tension.