How to Get Started with Erotic Submission

Written for GFH by Luna Matatas

Power exchange can be an extremely sexy, erotic vibe to bring into the bedroom. Playing with consensual erotic dominance and submission offers opportunities for intimacy, exploring new sensations, roleplay, dirty talk, and BDSM toys. 

What is erotic submission?

Erotic submission is one end of a power exchange, the other being erotic dominance. In consensual power exchange, one person is agreeing to surrender erotic power and the other person is accepting the control. What this exchange looks like varies from submissive to submissive and dominant to dominant, and even from one experience to another experience. 

Power exchange is one part of BDSM roleplay and can be about kinky activities like spanking or bondage, or it can be about adding a power dynamic to other types of sex like anal or oral. Submission can be sexual or non-sexual.

Erotic submission and dominance involves discussion about boundaries, emotional and physical safety, and what kinky activities are included and which ones aren’t. Erotic submission and dominance means a lot of ongoing communication about consent and can be a fun way to learn more about yourself and your partner’s desires.

How do I take my submissive fantasy into reality?

When you’re getting started with erotic submission, you might already have a fantasy that turns you on. Taking submissive fantasies into reality isn’t only about the kinky collars and spanking paddles. It is a chance to get curious about what is hot about your specific fantasy and what you want to experience in a power exchange. 

Think about:

• When I get turned on by this fantasy, what feelings are present? Do I like feeling helpless? Adored? Scared? Humiliated? Desired?
• What is turning me on about my dominant? Am I turned on by their authority? Do I like that they are stern? Or sensual? Sadistic, seductive, and/or playful?
• What am I wearing? What is my dominant wearing? Are there colours, materials (e.g. latex, leather), clothing items, locations etc. that bring this fantasy to life?
• What kinky activities am I turned on by in the fantasy? Rough sex? Is it a hand on my throat? Is it being of service? Is it taking a spanking? Is it orgasm denial?

Asking these questions can help erotic submission become a story instead of limited to one kinky activity. Sharing your erotic submission as a story can help you build the kind of fantasy you want to co-create with a like-minded dominant. It helps your dominant better understand what turns you on and interact with you in ways that lead to the experience that you want. Use erotica to inspire your erotic imagination and flesh out your fantasy. Porn sometimes doesn’t feed erotic imaginations because it focuses usually on extreme versions of kinky activities and emphasizes the performance of kink.

Boundaries and consent

Boundaries can involve thinking about sexual health, emotional well-being, and physical safety. It’s critical to talk about boundaries before sinking into submissive play. Even the most open-minded people have boundaries: they are a sign of strength and not weakness. Both dominants and submissives have boundary needs and it’s important to understand what the boundaries are, what will happen if a boundary is crossed and what needs to be put in place to support those boundaries. 

Questions to think about:

• Are specific words off-limits?
• Are there parts of your body that are off-limits or require special attention?
• What type of safe system will be used? Traffic light system of red, green, yellow? Safe words? 1-5 intensity system?
• What kind of aftercare will be provided? Will you need massages, cuddles, or eating together?
• What is your experience level with the kinky activities you’re engaging in? 

Consent isn’t only about saying ‘no’; it’s also about saying ‘yes’! Erotic submissives are surrendering power to create specific experiences in sensations (e.g. pain, servitude) and/or intense feelings through roleplay (e.g. kitten, naughty student, slutty neighbour). Getting clear on what those sensations and feelings are helps build both the confidence and trust between submissives and dominants. Remember, boundaries can change from scene to scene, from person to person and day to day. Checking before and after each time you enjoy submissive role play is a great way to keep communication fluid and dynamic between your dominant and you. 

6 ways to get started with erotic submission tonight

You don’t need a partner to get started with erotic submission, you can start to explore your submissive side through sensuality, self-pleasure, and self-exploration. If you’re searching for a dominant, you’ll want to be able to communicate clearly and confidently about the type of dominant you’re looking for and what your submissive pleasure looks like.. If you have a partner that you’re exploring BDSM with together, explore each other's fantasies and learn what you both want to feel and experience.

Here are a few ways to start exploring submission:

1. Get in touch with the feelings of surrendering power

Try masturbating to a submissive fantasy and notice which parts put you over the edge.

Explore any guilt or shame you have about submission: sometimes fantasies are arousing but also can make you feel like it says something about you as a person or your ethics. 

2. Practice communicating yes and no, more or less, harder or softer

Communication is the responsibility of both dominants and submissives, but it can be tough to ask for what you want or need in vulnerable moments or when you’re deep in roleplay. Let your partner know you want to start communicating more during sex to feel out what your submissive side really likes. Ask them if they’ll call you by a pet name that turns you on or if you can call them a name like Mistress or Sir or Daddy that inspires your submissive side.  Both dominants and submissives need to trust that they will both communicate authentically to build confidence in the dynamic. 

3. Go slow and play more

Though dominance and submission sounds so formal, kink is really about getting playful with your erotic self. Start with a lower level of intensity in your submissive character and get curious about what feels good, awkward, not good, and even boring. You can explore submissive moods in sexual activities that you know your pleasure responses to. For example, add surrender to oral sex, penetration, or dirty talk. Talk to your partner about what you’d like to try. Approach it without performance expectations and accept it might feel silly or awkward at first as you build confidence in submission.

4. Set up a submissive play date

Your partner can explore giving you different sensations while you are blindfolded or have your hands tied up. Sensations can include oral sex, massage, feathers ticklers, and temperature play.

5. Play with orgasm denial

Ask your partner how they would feel about being in charge of when you are allowed to cum. Experiment with app/remote controlled sex toys. 

6. Check out kinky gear

Are you curious about nipples clamps? Erotic wax play? Rope bondage? Flogging? Sometimes you don’t know why you like something but you do! Go online with a partner and explore what kinds of things excite you both. Restraint cuffs, blindfolds and paddles are a great place to start to build your kinky tool box!

Can anyone be a submissive?

Being interested in erotic submission doesn’t necessarily mean you are a submissive person outside of the bedroom. Anyone can decide to tap into submissive feelings that turn them on. In fact many people who have a more dominant personality or role in life find freedom in submission for erotic play. Submission isn’t limited to gender, age, body type, or any other demographic factors. It’s an opportunity to play with expanding imaginations through roleplay and finding sexual rewards in those activities. There are submissives and dominants who enjoy switching between roles too. Explore and discover in any way that turns you on.