Written for GFH by Luna Matatas

Does the idea of an erotic power exchange turn you on? Many people find fantasies of dominance and submission to be erotic, and for good reason! In an erotic power exchange, the dominant partner is in control according to the boundaries and rules that both dom and sub have consented to. 

These can include sexual and/or non-sexual activities, like dressing up, roleplaying or rituals, to express and reinforce the power dynamic between dom and sub. As hot as erotic power exchange can be, it can be intimidating to move fantasies into reality. There’s technique, confidence, roleplay, equipment... so, where is a good place to start exploring erotic dominance? 

5 Ways to Explore Your Dominant Side

Talk About Your Fantasy With Your Partner

You might want to rush home with a paddle and a pile of rope! Remember, though, that communication is a huge part of power exchange, and it begins with sharing the fantasy without expectations and being curious about how your partner responds. 

If it’s your partner’s idea for you to be dominant, ask them about what they want to feel as a submissive and to describe what they’d be turned on by you as a dominant. Talk about scenes. Go slow, give your partner time to digest and enthusiastically invite them to share their honest reactions, which might include rejection or keeping it fantasy only. 

No partner? Explore, get erotically inspired. and practice kinky techniques. Reading sexy BDSM stories can help inspire ideas for ourselves and is a great way to mix up masturbation if your go-to is porn. Practice and learn about the techniques you want to develop, like choking, or rope bondage, or wax play.

Bust Down Dominance Stereotypes

Close your eyes and visualize a dominant person—who are they? What are they wearing, how are they standing, how do they make you feel? Let your mind wander beyond the limits of what you know about erotic dominance. Try not to judge yourself. Think about dominance is portrayed in movies, at your job, in society—who holds power, who doesn’t, and what would power look like if you were the one wielding it. 

You might be turned on by a BDSM activity that you see as dominant; for example, spanking or rope bondage. A kinky tool, like a ball gag or spanking paddles might bring out the dominance excitement in you. Think about how you want to feel while you use these on a submissive. Do you want to feel mean? Punishing? Nurturing? Use BDSM tools or activities as a vessel for your dominant energy.

Inspire Your Power Exchange Creativity

Self-pleasure is a great place to start exploring fantasies that we’re unsure or feel unconfident about, because masturbation is a time for us to be selfish. We aren’t worried about performance or another person’s desires, so you can take the time to feel all the different, possibly strange sensations, and maybe different ways your body responds as you introduce a new fantasy; what specific parts of the fantasies get you really aroused and who else is in the fantasy with you. 

Get curious and inspired from BDSM erotica, erotic audio, take kink classes, and consider participating in kinky online communities. 

Consent and Communication

When getting started with consensual erotic power exchange, it can be tempting to make things feel as ‘real’ as possible and make assumptions about what a submissive wants. As a dominant, you can only use power that has been explicitly granted to you in communication with submissives. Discuss things like:

• What body parts, words, and activities are off limits?
• What does the sub look and sound like when they're in their submissive zone?
• What other boundaries are important?
• How are we caring for our sexual health needs? 
• What are the sub's turn-offs?
• What do does the sub want to feel and experience as a submissive?

Decide on a safe system that you will use to communicate with once the scene starts. Safe systems are mutually agreed upon communication (verbal and non-verbal) that helps the dom and the sub communicate clearly while in the scene.  Some people have trouble saying no when they are in their submissive headspace, so we want to make sure use of the safe system is encouraged. Examples of safe systems are:

• Safe word: a word that isn’t related to your role play that can be used to quickly communicate ‘stop’ in a scene. 
• Number systems: a scale (e.g. 1-5) that can communicate intensity by calling out one of the numbers or displaying the number using fingers
• Traffic light system: red for stop, green for keep going and yellow for approaching a limit

Some situations can make it hard to use just one of these systems, so it's important to use all of them in conjunction, and be aware of them at all times. It’s important to have clear boundaries about where the fantasy starts and ends, and have regular check-ins about the power exchange outside of a sexy time to be clear about what’s working and what doesn’t feel great.

Also, plan aftercare activities to help ground you and your partner after the scene is over, for example, cuddling, talking, sharing food or taking a shower together. This is an integral part of dom and sub play, too!

Add dominance vibes to sex you already enjoy

Try adding power to sexy things you and your partner already enjoy. Discuss some of these ideas with your submissive:

• Blindfold a partner while you give them oral sex
• Use a ball gag during vaginal or anal sex to switch up their verbal freedom
• Practice taking charge by giving your partner sexy instructions (e.g. strip for me, worship my body, spread for me)
• Play with tease and denial
• Explore restraining your submissive in different situations
• Use a remote controlled vibrator to take control of your partner’s pleasure

Make sure you’re both on the same page about what is going to happen and intensity levels. Start slow, check in often, and de-brief after about what you both liked and didn’t like. It’s normal for it to feel awkward or disjointed as you get started learning these new techniques and sensations. Aim for play, not perfection, and have fun!