Written for GFH by Luna Matatas

Sex toy conversations can be a helpful way to add more sexual communication to your relationship. You might be curious about sex toys designed to be used during partnered sex or you might want to share sex toys you use during masturbation with your partner. If you’re thinking about bringing sex toys into the bedroom, it’s reasonable to feel nervous or intimidated by what your partner’s response might be. Common concerns include:

• What if my partner feels inadequate or rejected?
• I feel embarrassed or shy about talking about sex toys.
• I feel guilty about wanting or needing different sensations during sex for my pleasure.
• If I bring up sex toys, my partner might think I’m a pervert or judge me.

Wanting to use sex toys in the bedroom doesn’t mean anything is "wrong" with the sex that you’re having and it doesn’t mean your sex life is boring. Being curious about sex toys is a great sign that you are feeding your erotic imagination by getting curious about new ways to experience pleasure. Sex toys can be a great way to experiment with new sensations and amplify erotic sensations you already enjoy. Bringing sex toys into the bedroom with your partner can also build more trust and intimacy, and increase your sexual satisfaction as a couple.

Here are 5 Ways to Introduce Sex Toys to a Partner:

Ask them about sex toys without expectation

Bringing more communication about sex into your relationship is always a great thing! Talking about sex toys might be intimidating, but can also open up a conversation about what sensations you enjoy and what can be added to the bedroom to give you both more pleasure. 

Here are some conversation starters:

• Have you ever thought about or used sex toys?
• I was thinking about you while I was masturbating with my magic wand, and was curious if you’ve ever used sex toys on yourself or someone else?
• I read this article about sex toys and it got me curious about what you think of sex toys? 
• I was remembering when you did that thing I like, and I thought "Hmmmm, I wonder if I can give you a new sensation." Have you ever tried sex toys?
• I’m feeling playful and I’d love to get curious about sex toys with you.  Would you be open to a no-pressure chat about them?
• I was thinking it might be fun to use a sex toy on you or to have you use one on me. Do you want to explore some online together?

If speaking about sex is nerve-wracking for you, try texting them about it! Be curious, be open, and be reassuring and enthusiastic about the conversation even if it doesn’t lead to buying sex toys! Be open to continuing communication about spicing up your sex life and discovering more about each other’s desires.

Suggest a sex toy shopping date

Having a non-sexual date about something sexual can be great for opening up communication without the additional vulnerability that comes with sexual moments. Suggest going in-person to a sex shop, booking a virtual video shopping call together, or browsing online together. 

Talk about what you like and don’t like in the sex toys you see. Research sex toys together to make sure it has the features you want, for example, if you are planning a shower date with each other, is it waterproof? Do you want a couples’ toy to use during penetration like the We-Vibe Unite? Are you looking for a sensation-play sex toy like a feather tickler or a paddle? Do you want a toy that isn’t gender specific? Do you enjoy toys that are of certain colours or sizes? 

You could turn up the fun on the date by selecting one thing you’d like your partner to use on you and your partner selecting one thing they want you to use on them. Exploring products from sex-positive and feminist sex shops also helps you talk about sexual health. Other topics like lubricants or erectile dysfunction or painful sex might arise as you browse through topics and talk with each other. You might just find a solution amongst all the sex toys. 

Here are some great beginner toys for couples new to the bedroom:

• Wand style vibrators can be used on any body on multiple hot spots like genitals, perineums, nipples, anuses and more. They have deep rumbly vibrations which are great for intense sensations. If all else fails, they can be used as body massagers!
• Smaller vibrators can be easy to pair with oral sex because they aren’t cumbersome or overwhelming. They are great for giving spot-specific external stimulation to parts of the clitoris and penis.
• Curved vibrators can be used for penetration and external stimulation. They can be used with the vibration on or off. Their curves help get at internal spots like the G-spot or P-spot (prostate). Externally, they can be used to give broader stimulation to the butthole, perineum and nipples. 

Add sex toys into sexual activities you already enjoy

Sex toys can be introduced to help you prolong, amplify, or diversify the sensations of sex activities you already enjoy. For example, if you enjoy penetrative sex with a penis in your anus or vagina, dildos can help extend the pleasure of penetration irrespective of an erection. Explore dildos of different shapes or sizes, and even get creative with strap-on sex. 

Oral sex is another activity where sex toys can deepen the pleasure. Read up on how to use sex toys like G-spot vibrators and butt plugs during oral sex.

If you enjoy kissing and cuddling, sex toys can add sensations to other parts of your body to amplify the pleasure you’re getting through kissing and touching. Try a butt plug or nipple clamps while making out!

Try making handjobs hotter with penis or FTM strokers, cock rings or prostate massagers. 

Set up a mutual masturbation show

If one or both of you have experience with sex toys, you could explore voyeurism and exhibitionism through a masturbation show. You can take turns watching each other use sex toys on yourself or you can be audience and performer for each other one at a time. Try masturbating in front of a mirror with each other! This gives both of you a chance to witness each other’s pleasure responses and get information about how and where you like the sex toy used. There is sometimes a mistaken belief that sex toys are for vulvas only, but there are a lots of options for penis pleasure, nipple stimultation, and anal play.

Experiment with role play and sex toys

Exploring roleplay with your partner could allow you to step outside of your personalities and into characters. You might experience more freedom or playfulness by taking on the characteristics of a doctor-nurse roleplay or a kitten and owner dynamic, for example. 

You can use remote-controlled sex toys to experiment with erotic power exchange, giving your partner control of the vibration can inspired you to feel submissive and inspire them to feel dominant. Read up on how to explore consensual erotic dominance. Some sex toys may also be accessories to a character you want to role play. For example: handcuffs and blindfolds for kidnapping or bondage fantasies or a paddle for a teacher-student role play or a butt plug with a tail on it for role playing animals like kittens, or other animals.

If you end up trying sex toys together, remember to keep the communication going with a de-brief afterwards. Talk about what you liked, how you felt, what you didn’t like and what you want to try next.

Don't forget to also give everything a good clean between uses, and whenever you plan to use your sex toys somewhere new on the body!

It can take time to sink into new sensations and get out of your head and into your body. It’s ok to also discover a toy isn’t for you, and realize there’s another sex toy out there that might suit your needs better!