Roleplaying with Confidence

Written for GFH by Luna Matatas

Exploring fantasy and roleplay can add excitement, intimacy, and racy fun to your sex life. Whether you’re looking to spice things up, deepen an existing flavour, or explore a different side of your erotic self, roleplay can offer an important component of our sex lives—play!

Sexual roleplay is all about borrowing attributes—and behaviours, costumes, and props—of characters—such as doctor, teacher, etc. kitten—and sexualizing the behaviours of these roles for pleasure. You don’t have to find your actual doctor sexy in order to roleplay a sexy doctor. Roleplay can feel taboo or uncomfortable for some people because outside of an erotic context, who you are may be vastly different from the role you’re eroticizing. For example, someone who is confident and assertive might feel confused by being turned on by being a submissive kitten in the bedroom. And this contrast is part of what makes it hot and makes us feel naughty, but feeling conflicted about your roleplay can also be a barrier to having fun without judgment. Hopefully, with help from this article, you can embrace the contrast and enjoy the variety.

For some people, roleplay and its theatrics come easily and for others, it takes practice and time to build confidence. Getting started can feel intimidating and overwhelming, so go slow, start with a short scene, and be gentle with yourself and your partner—it’s not a performance—and don’t give up right away. Don’t forget the play part of roleplay!

How do you get started with sexy roleplay? 

Think beyond the role.

What is it about this role that makes you feel sexy? Is it power? Is it fear? Is it sensual? Is it an activity that the role gets to do that you don’t? A combination of some, or all? Tell a story about the role: what do they smell, look, feel, sound, and taste like? What vibrators, penis toys, or dildos do they like? What do they want to feel? What does your roleplay inspire your partner to feel?

Embrace silliness. 

Are you concerned about feeling awkward? What do you think will happen if you aren’t good at the roleplay? What are you worried your partner will think about you? Putting out our insecurities and our excitement is part of showing up authentically to try something new. Don’t be afraid to share your insecurities. It’s brave to feel silly and want to try anyways! It will likely only bring you closer and risk is one element of creating hotter sex. 

Try masturbating thinking about yourself in the role. 

Give yourself permission to connect to your own sexiness and tune into what you might be turned on by. Use sex toys to simulate the sensations. Tap into your fantasy in all its colours, vibes, activities, accessories, aesthetics, and sounds. 

Explore with curiosity. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect or flawless, so take the pressure off of performance and set the tone for you and your partner. Try to think beyond stereotypes: for example, the naughty schoolgirl doesn’t have to be submissive; maybe she is the one who bends the teacher over the desk!

Share your fantasy with your partner. 

It can be very vulnerable to share an erotic fantasy with your partner, especially about roleplay. Opening up about it can also give you a chance to co-create with your partner, get some validation and affirmation about how sexy it is to get creative in the bedroom, and even open up their imagination to possibly get aroused about something they’d never considered before. For starters, some people find that texting/sexting about their fantasies is less intimidating than trying to talk about it in person. 

Now, here are some ways to navigate common challenges: 

• Feeling silly vs feeling sexy. Silly is sexy. We’ve been told that “sexy” is limited to what we see in porn, movies, and media. In reality, most of us have a wide range of things we are attracted to and aroused by, including the chance to just feel accepted and attractive in all our self-expression. 
• Judging yourself for the role. Maybe you really want to dress up as a sexy police officer, but you have conflicting feelings about police in real life. In the bedroom, we use boundaries, communication, and compassion to create a safe space to explore uncomfortable and intense feelings that might be arousing for us. Talking about or journalling about any self-judgement that’s going on in your head is helpful and may invite your partner to also get vulnerable about any insecurities that they may have about their turn-ons. Try these tips for confidence and letting go of self-judgement. 
• Getting creative with sexy roleplay. What do you do to make the role come to life? How do you keep it from falling flat? Planning, props, and passion are my go-to for creativity. Plan out your ideas at a non-sexy time; you can even test them out by sexting your partner or getting inspiration from written erotica or videos. Use props like blindfolds and even think about how you can express your character through the colours of your kinky things.  And finally: passion and enthusiasm are sexy. Remember, roleplay doesn’t have to be completely foreign to the sexy activities you already like. You don’t have to carry out a big performance, you can put on a sexy maid’s outfit and give or receive oral!

When getting started with roleplay, it makes sense that all of the players might feel shy or silly. Approach your partner without demands or expectations, but with an intention of connecting through your erotic desires. Exploring, and discovering new things, is part of the fun. Whether your partner is long-term or casual, you’ll benefit from the intimacy of sharing what it is that you want as part of your pleasure pursuit!